“I’ve got something I’d like to suggest actually,” says Kevin Suggs as the agenda of the teachers’ meeting draws to its end. “We’ve got all these CDs of listening tracks. Wouldn’t it be easier it we had soft copies of them all on flashdisks that we could just carry around?”

The team nod and murmur in agreement.

“Okay then,” says DOS Karen. “Anyone want to volunteer to corral a few teaching assistants into ripping some CDs?”

There is a deathly silence around the table. Bob with the BO leans forward to slurp at the rim of his coffee cup, quickly deciding it needs a couple more minutes before it’s cool enough.

“It’s always been like this,” Karen tells us in the privacy of her office. “The teachers have tons of great ideas on how to improve the school but no-one actually wants to do anything about them. We had one guy from the Czech Republic who used to actually put good ideas into practice but he left when he got promoted. I think he’s the president now or something.”

The notes from the teachers’ meetings of the year so far make for grim reading. An idea to turn one of the classrooms into a reading corner where children can share books. A website set up for students to role-play interacting with each other as if on social media. In 2019 alone, there have been 704 good ideas which the teaching team have agreed to but done nothing about. Even one idea for a lesson on past continuous about the history of roller-skating, where students would go to a park and roller-skate around collecting clues hidden by teaching assistants.

“We’ll never get rid of that one,” says Karen, shaking her head. “It would be a nice bit of loop-input but the teacher who suggested it broke her leg in a motorbike accident the week after we decided to do it and it’s still on our to-do list.”

Our reporter asks Karen if there are any ideas which the teaching team have managed to put into action.

“Two,” she replies confiently. “After motions were unanimously passed we agreed to ask the tea lady to stop buying the green Nescafe and only buy the red one. That project is completed. The other one was to have a team building evening at Joe’s pub, which we completed with enthusiastic participation from everyone. Kirsty even went so far as to throw up and cry when telling everyone how much she misses her boyfriend.”

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