As a lorry thunders past, Kevin Fibbs moves towards the window to slide it shut. Unfortunately, he hasn’t reacted in time and he covers his mouth as a cloud of dust billows into the office.

He hacks and splutters into a tissue for a moment before returning to the keyboard and typing, join us in the beautiful, quiet, rural city of 下水道!

This is a typical morning in the life of an EFL recruiter in China.

This historical and friendly cultural centre…

“By historical,” he tells our reporter, “I am of course referring to modern history. There has been a sizeable settlement here ever since rare earth was discovered in 1998. And it’s not too much of a stretch to say friendly, because last week I didn’t get spit on at all and one woman grunted something which might have been an apology when her toddler peed on me in the supermarket.”

…offers a competitive salary and free accommodation.

“By competitive, I am referring to the fact that while earning 9,000RMB each month, teachers will be competing with rats for scraps of rotten cabbage. Also, I’ve looked through several online dictionaries and a roof is not a necessary facet of the definition of accommodation.”

Leisure activities such as visits to popular local places of entertainment possible on a teacher’s salary.

“I have worked out that if the teacher only eats boiled rice for a month, they will have enough left for a bottle of rice wine, a line of crystal meth and an evening in the company of a forty-year-old karaoke girl,” he tells us.

“Now here’s the problem,” he says, tapping his fingers on the desk. “The place is buzzing with mosquitoes but I can’t say place of abundance because I’ve already used that one twice this month.”

His attention is distracted to the window as a wrecking ball swings into the wall of a grey office block in the distance.

“I’ve got it!” he shouts suddenly.

We hope to welcome you to this land of fertility!

“That’s me done for the day,” he tells us as he pulls on his jacket and shuts down his computer.

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