“I thought the students would defo be stoked to learn a few true blue words, what with the fact that there’s a whole lesson in the book about the diffo between British and American English,” says Garth Brown, looking forlorn after his class, “but strewth! They just sat there looking bloody stuffed and refusing to say anything.”

An exit poll taken straight after the class revealed that, out of fourteen students who attended the class, none had any interest in learning Australian slang.

“I don’t have anything against Australia per se,” revealed Dr Vasily Sokolov. “However, I will be attending a conference on Quantum Physics at the University of Zurich in June and I don’t think it would strike the right tone if I was to tell the assembled dags that Quarks cannot be observed outside of high-energy collisions because they bail too bloody fast.”

Taya Mikhailov is keen to back her classmate up. “In my work with Amnesty International for example, I don’t think it would be appropriate if I were to petition the Kyrgyz ambassador with an appeal to let journalists shoot through prison because it isn’t fair dinkum to keep them there and torture them. He would undoubtedly tell me to rack off.”

“Oh well, no Wuckas,” Brown was heard to conclude back in the staffroom. “There’s nothing wrong with the lesson plan. Maybe I’ll try it on the ankle-biters.”

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