From: Tense Terry (Project Manager)
To: (All Staff)
Re: Update on FCDO funding review
I know that a lot of you have been anxious to hear how the FCDO’s spending review has impacted our budgeting. After prolonged discussion with our counterparts on the review panel, I am now in a position to provide some more detailed information.
First of all, the good news. The project’s funding has been renewed, even increased. No-one will be asked to terminate their contract and those of you who were up for contract extensions can now discuss them with your line manager.
Now, the more surprising news. We are going to have to pivot again, somewhat more drastically than last time. I would like to thank all of you once again for your professionalism and patience adapting from face-to-face delivery to online delivery. Now, in line with the policy set out by the government, we will be subtly shifting our focus away from women’s literacy and more towards providing a nuclear deterrent.
I know this may be a sharp change of direction for some of you, but I have every faith that the skills you have honed empowering displaced women will be transferrable to the field of Mutually Assured Destruction. Furthermore, we are accountable to the taxpayer and the elected government have made it clear that the country’s priorities have evolved.
Kirsty – After such a long time preparing and assessing resources, you had expressed an interest in getting back to the customer-facing aspect of our work. You may be happy to hear that you will now be taking on a USSR-facing role. You’ll be relocating to sunny Warsaw to play a role in the UN’s Eurasian missile stockpile. This will mean a change in job title. Instead of “Inclusive Educational Content Creator,” you will now be referred to – for payroll purposes – as “Nuclear Missile.”
Dave and Hannah – Remembering how much you talked about your snorkelling holiday in Phuc Quoc, you are sure to relish another chance to submerge yourselves with your new assignment aboard a Trident submarine. Again, for payroll purposes, your job description will change from “Training Facilitator,” to “Thermo-nuclear Warhead.”
Clive –You may have left the computer wholesaling sector because you found it unrewarding, but I knew from the start that you would put that IT nous to use at some point! Your experience at IBM makes you uniquely qualified to fulfil your new role as an ICBM. Your line manager will fill you in on the admin details. Just write “threatening decades of nuclear winter” on your timesheet until told otherwise.
I know that you will all be keen to get started on your exciting new roles and meet the colleagues you’ll be sharing your silos and torpedo tubes with, but it’s also important to make some time for yourself. Therefore, we are inviting you all to take part in the webinar, “YOUranium – Mindfulness for Weapons of Mass Destruction,” at 2pm GMT this Friday.