Our correspondent caught up with Palatal Plosive Patel, who was appointed EFL Minister in a recent cabinet re-shuffle, to discuss the policy.

PPP: Of course, the basic premise of the points system is sound. Students get ten points for being able to pronounce “th”, ten for bringing a notebook and another ten for actually having some opinions to share during discussions.

Tense Terry: I understand students can also lose points?

PPP: That’s right. Points will be deducted for asking questions as the class ends, eating garlic for lunch and propositioning underage students.

TT: Do you think criticisms of the plan are fair?

PPP: When we tried it out, we found that we still ended up admitting some students who… tend not to eat pork.

TT: Muslims?

PPP: …and certain other students who look like they might have good natural rhythm.

TT: Is that a problem?

PPP: Not as such but we hope that our new system will prompt schools to re-explore the potential of UK-based students.

TT: Of English?

PPP: Yes.

TT: As a Foreign Language?

PPP: Yes, it’s an idea from leftfield but I am eagerly waiting to see the results of our pilot scheme.

TT: Who will that apply to?

PPP: Pilots.

TT: Pilots?

PPP: And if that doesn’t work, we will see whether robotics can be of any use in filling the need for students.

TT: That seems far-fetched.

PPP: It might to you but when you do a DELTA you’ll learn all about Automaticity in Language Acquisition.

TT: Minister, thank you.